Not for the first time, I was told that I contradict myself a lot. I do, and I don’t. I am trying to figure it out. I know I say things that do seem to be direct opposites. Often, how I feel is one thing, how I want to act is another.
My feelings and my values rarely start in alignment. My feelings start in my past. They respond to the entirety of my experience. They are also excruciatingly intense and often fleeting. My thoughts take longer to form. I have to get past the feelings first. Once my body has calmed, then I can figure out what I feel.
Values work differently for me. They are a part of my best self. They are the quiet voices when I am still. They are often the exact opposite of my experiences. This is the point where conflict exists. How I want to move through the world, that is what my values are based on. My past doesn’t always align with that desire. In the midst of big feelings, values can be hard for me to reach.
Another reason, that I can think of right now, for this contradictory nature of mine is just a crappy working memory. What part of a thing am I thinking about at that moment? Do I remember something else later that changes how I feel? Or do I forget something else that changes how I feel? I wonder about this part a lot. How much is distorted in my brain by a memory that can’t be trusted so often?
Trust is a tricky thing for me. Between abuse, and illnesses I can’t trust myself. I can’t trust my feelings, my ability to act out of my values instead of my pain, my body, or my memory. I guess I am not surprised I contradict myself. It feels like more of a surprise when I am consistent.
The problem is trying to figure out how to be more consistent in what I am voicing to the people in my life and my internal world. I am not sure how to do this though. I will try to answer less when my feelings are big. I will try to make sure I am in alignment with my values. The issue is, I am already trying. I am trying and failing. I am hurting people I love. I am hurting myself. There has to be a thing I am missing. Perhaps, tomorrow is another chance to try again or maybe I can figure out the thing I am just not getting.