I had something click in my head today. The lessening of my depression symptoms is having a lot of things pop up. It has become obvious that my subconscious has been stewing away on stuff but is just now able to make use of the information it has been collecting. One of the things I have been struggling with has been my reaction to people cancelling plans.
Most of the people in my life have some kind of physical and/or mental health issue. Often more than one. Being a spoonie myself, I truly believe that they really should cancel if it is going to have a negative impact on them. So, why was I getting upset and hurt at some times? Just as important, why was I not getting upset at other times?
As I was driving to pick up my son from an event, Google failed to notify me of a step that I needed to take when driving. I was SO angry. I now had to go to the next exit and loop back. I was doing what it said and now I had to spend extra time and energy for something I shouldn’t have had to do. *Light bulb*
I was getting upset when I had spent energy preparing to see that person. I have had such low energy between the physical issues, medication side effects, and depression, that every tiny erg was precious. I spent energy that I didn’t have to do….nothing. This doesn’t seem unreasonable given my circumstances, but it was a change from my ‘normal’ response.
This lead me to wondering what was different the times I didn’t get upset. When driving back to pick up my son Google maps, once again, failed to properly notify me of the needed exit. This time I expected it and was able to correct with no extra effort. I wasn’t angry at Google this time. Oh! This was the difference, when people cancelled before I spent extra energy, I was able to access my compassion and was glad they were taking care of themselves.
I don’t know if this will continue (changes in beliefs about what I deserve are changing some things but it is too soon to tell what is about that and what is about my depression), but at least I know what is happening. This gives me a chance to proactively warn people and for me to monitor my reactions. Time will tell what happens next.