I found myself sitting on a sun drenched bank of a lazy stream. There are trees nearby but their shade is not interrupting the pure white golden sunlight. The water flowed by in a lazy meandering way. The ripples making the light dance with almost painful intensity. It was so easy to be peaceful and still here. I let myself fill up with the light and the strength.
Eventually I invited anyone who needed to join me to do so. I felt her restless energy long before I saw her. Her presence was one of constant moving. She was all action and hard edges. When she slid fully into my view I was surprised to see that this was the 16 year old version of me. She was so beautiful even in her impatience. Part of me wished I had been able to see myself more clearly back then.
I invited her to sit but she was far too agitated. She did agree to wade into the river with me. The water slowly flowing around us seemed to lessen her need to move. I slowly inspected her with my energy and intuition. I could feel her need to DO. That she had to keep pushing forward. Her energy was shap and almost spikey. Like broken glass had paused while exploding and decided to protect her. Ever so gently I eased past the sharp endges to see what I could sense beneath. There was a lot there. So much pain and rage. Fear that was nearly consuming. I tried to get a sense of how her energy flowed and what I found confused me deeply. There was no flow. It was pieces of her that would switch on and off as needed. This disconnected energy nearly confunded me, it was so hard to resist making it move. How could I understand this strange indipendent collection? I finally accepted that I could not understand how it worked even as I accepted that it did. My awareness slowly slipped around and I noticed this hardness between her shoulder blades. This piece of armor I understood all too well.
I asked if anyone else wanted to join us and the bright lady was there, as she always is these days. It is interesting because the more I sense the bright lady in my daily life the less tangible she appears in this world. Tangible or not she was very much present, teen me was aware of her as well and seemed to brighten a bit in response. We decided to walk along the path through the woods. This path behaved oddly though. Rather than seeming to go to a place. Or even following the path of least resistance. It took me a bit to puzzle out what was happening. The path was avoiding the shadows. It was following the sunlight. This is when I realized that we were on her path.
We wandered along this strange path for a bit until we saw a gate off in the distance. We would have to leave the sunny path and walk into the shadows where no path was discernable. The girl stopped. She was clearly frightened. The bright lady glowed reassuringly. I stood and pondered the situation. She was obviously not going to leave this bright place. Even with us to help her. She needed something she could hold onto. Slipping my hand into my pocket I felt about until I found an object that felt right. Pulling my hand out I presented her with a clear quartz crystal. It twinkled in the sunlight but it didn’t seem to be enough. The bright lady nudged me and there just off the path was a perfect piece of oak branch. I took it and affixed the crystal. As I worked I gave it some of the sunlight I had stored up at the river. This should help. She held it up into the shadows and I watched awe creep across her face as she realized it would light her way.
We arrived at a wrought iron gate. We should have been able to see through the bars but it just wouldn’t take shape. Even the bright lady was unsettled by this. We should have been able to tell what we we’re heading towards. Our discomfort was nothing compared to hers though. She trembled and seemed rooted into the ground. I gently reminded her that we were here and we would not leave her until she was ready. Something stubborn and reckless flashed through her eyes before she shoved her way in.
In a lifetime of strange experiences I had never imagined something like this. Things were shrouded in this strange gray not light. If that wasn’t uncomfortable enough nothing here seemed finished. It was like trying to half form the memory of a shape that is some how associated with the sound of a not color. Sounds would almost form. This was not a place that anyone would ever want to be. It almost feels wrong to try to give this place words. Words are things that are formed and complete. Everything here rebelled at using anything complete to define it.
I let her know that she should take the lead. This was obviously her place and I was an observer here. She walked deep into the heart of this strange not place. There was an alcove with a ledge. She curled up in this spot and she was quite at home. The bright lady and I were very unsettled. This was not ok. This is not a good place for her to be. I knew that she needed to plant that wand. Right now, she was not ready to come out of this alcove. I stepped closer and tried to look at it. It just kept shifting under my gaze. I felt the bright lady’s amusement. I sighed and closed my eyes. Feeling my way around this place it started to make more sense. This alcove is the same energy as the hard place between her shoulders. This was her refuge in a sea of things she was both terrified of and totally unable to understand. The problem was that her place of protection didn’t allow for any growth. Nothing could live in this muddy soup.
Slowly she unwound and I was able to tell her she needed to clear a space near the alcove. As she knelt leaves, evergreen needles and other forest debris. She cleared a space. Now we could see the earth. One element was exposed. She dug into the earth with her hands. She dug until water began to seep up. The breeze played with we hair as she looked up. She couldn’t find the fire. I smiled, the bright lady laughed. “you are the fire”. She placed the wand in the hole she had made and she began to feed it. All of the hot firey feelings that she kept burried beneath the jaggedness. The frustration, the fear, the pain. As she did this the wand grew and changed. Suddenly we were with a fully mature oak in a clearing. There were paths that lead away. Those paths still ended with a vague fogginess but it was not as sinister as when we first arrived. Finally, with prompting, she fed the earth her shame. Now, there was light. The shell had melted, the alcove was erased. I blinked as I looked around. When I looked back at her I saw her wings had appeared. Black and glossy they were magnificent. She left her shame and found her empowerment. I watched with delight as she stretched and tested them. It was only when she inquired as to why my wings were not the same as hers that I noticed mine had changed again. They were a soft grey color instead of the black I was used to. I smiled and let her know they would change many times depending on what she needed.
We prepared to leave this place but the work was not quite done yet. She needed a way to come back here. A way to be reminded that she could carry her own light in the darkness. I looked up and there on the branch was the crystal I had given her before. She plucked it from the tree and we knew that this would be her key to this place, the place of letting go. We walked through the gate and she locked it with a smile. Eager to return to the river now.
The path had also changed. It seemed to sense her happy impatience and it brought us back to the lazy sun warmed river bend. We sat on a rock and let our feet and wings trail in the water. Here she could really see the 4 elements at work. I reminded her that there are 5 elements. She was sad that she could not see the fifth. The bright lady nudged me with amusement and I reached up and gently moved a branch so that she sat in shadow. In this place of filling up she could finally see, in that little patch of shadow that she was truly glowing. She could see spirit manifest in her own energy. I chuckled both amused and annoyed at how literal the bright lady was being right now. I still heard her messages though.
You can’t let go without filling up again. You can’t just be, or just do, it takes both to stay connected. You can’t hide or run from the things that scare you. You also don’t have to have them alone. It is also true that we need shadows sometimes in order to see the light we carry with us. It was so simple, true, and beautiful, that I wept with joy. I could see how her energy had changed. It wasn’t so sharp and jagged anymore. She still was not wholly connected but no longer was everything happening in isolation. There was so much energy bound up in her that it crackled pleasantly along her skin. She was magnificent.
Before I left this place it was decided that I could use the key, but it would remain hers for a while. We hugged. The kind of hug where your spirit both soars and relaxes. When you truly know everything will be okay in the end. We smiled and I took her hand. She became a part of me once more. And I was a part of her now too.