I started in my clearing with my oak tree. I stood next to it close enough to touch the trunk and feel the texture of its skin. I could feel the beams of sunlight dancing with the cool shadows from the leaves, on my skin. I was here, where I am eternally safe, where I can never fail to find myself. I followed the roots of my oak down into the ground. I felt the earth cooling and nurishing me. I went deeper than even the vastness of this tree could go. Down to my connection with mother earth.
I slowly drew her green gold energy up into my body. I let it swirl through all that was mine and flow around that wish wasn’t me. We all hold onto things that are not ours. Emotions that have been forced upon us, thoughts we thought we were supposed to keep, concepts that others gave us that don’t actually belong to our truths. The energy swirling up through my body highlighted and made visible the things that were not mine but I was holding onto anyway.
The large smooth rocks in my belly. The jagged coral lattice in my chest. The pyramid and the hidden darkness in my mind. They all became back lit and I could see them for the first time. The green golden light rendered visible all that I knew but could not see. It was a little disconcerning seeing these spots of deep dark blackness standing out in sharp relief.
The decision was made to start in my belly. To see the heavy stones that I was holding there. To examine these places closely caused physical pain and psychological discomfort. Still, I knew I was safe with my tree. The largest stone was black and glass smooth. It sat low in my belly, over my left ovary. Which was having sharp stabbing pains the longer I looked. I felt the weight of this stone as its own property for the first time. It was so heavy. I wanted to cry from the sheer mass of it. When asked how old it was I saw images of my mother, my grandmother and my great grandmother. Not as I knew them, however. It was more like seeing a fetus and knowing who it was. This was old pain. Generational pain. This was utterly feminine and totally annihilating. This place in my body told me that it was fear. It was fear of being a woman. It told me being a woman was unsafe and dangerous. Later I would come to realize that it was not being a woman that was unsafe, but being a strong powerful woman. It wasn’t the feminine that was undesirable but it was finding it strong and powerful and bold that was unsafe. It told me to be small, be quiet, and be unseen. This was not mine. It did not belong to my truth.
Next we looked at the smallest stone in my belly. It was muddy brown and somehow sticky. It sat over my right hip just blow my ribs. It wanted to grab and hold more. It wanted to grow bigger and weigh me down. It was resentment. Not mine but resentment from others. Resentment from the masculine. Resentment of my wounds and limitations. Examining this stone caused pain to zap from there out to the far reaches of my body; an inimical ripple. It was also the newest stone. When asked to figure out when it started I could only answer 5. What this means to me is that I was more than 3 but less than 8 when it started. This stone didn’t require a lot of examining. It was straightforward with little symbolism.
The final stone in my belly was a very dark brown. It was old. So very old. It was more old than I could comprehend. It was also forced upon me with great intent. It was placed right below my diaphragm. It was designed to not let me breathe deeply. It was meant to create a bottle neck (if not a complete stoppage even) between my gut and my heart and mind. This stone was put here intentionally long long ago by someone I could not name or see. What I could see where churches. They ranged from modern to primative. I had seen the soaring buttresses and stained glass before but there were also churches I could not recognize or name. There were faiths I could not name mixed in with ones I know I had practiced. This was obviously about religion but there was something else behind it that I was not able to name until over a hour after the session ended. The closest name I can come up with for it was patriarchy. Not just the masculine or the feminine this time but both. It was restriction and it was limititing. It would not allow growth, expansion or change. It would not allow me to reach for what I can be. This stone was creating a block between what I was and what I could be. It was not mine and I refused to let it stay.
I called out to the bright lady. I asked if she would give me her wisdom and guidance. She struggled to stay with that stone being so present. The bright lady flickered in and out. Able to stay only long enough for a feeling or a few words. Later I realized that it is because that stone represents the things that would negate her. The things that would keep her from ever becoming. She was still able to help. She placed her hand on the only place on my tummy the stones did not occupy. She reminded me that I am fire. Another flicker and there where images of lava. That was all she could do. Those three brief moments and she flickered out and away.
I was angry. I was furious. I was the heat of the fire that could melt the hardest stone. My lungs were the bellows that fanned the flames. I burned from within with all the pent up fury of a volcano. Hotter and hotter it burned until I was sure I would be consumed as well.
A gentle reminder that I am in the clearing with the tree and I was able to look at this righteous fury with a little more persoective. I was able to see the molten poison swirling around every part of me now. It must go. I refused to allow this to touch me and weigh me down any longer. If I was in the clearing that meant that I was still teathered to mother earth. She could consume and transmute anything. She could take this morass of garbage and turn it from death into life. I drew a deep breath and pushed.
I who have had 2 children could tell without a moments hesitation or doubt that I was giving birth to this pain. I felt my abdomen and back contract and push down over and over again. It was so much effort that I am still physically exhausted. It hurt like childbirth and it was just as tiring. There is no way to explain how very long it took. It very literally seemed like this was the labor of lifetimes. Finally, finally it was expelled and went back into the earth.
There was a delicious, joyfully weeping, emptiness inside of me. It was so vast and light. Eternaties were contained in the spaces these stones had left inside of me. I reached up to mother sky, into the heavens and beyond and drew down the purple gold light even as I felt the golden green life grow up into tendrels inside of me. The two met in joyous incandescence. Feeding each other, feeding me, filling me and protecting me. There are no words to describe how beautiful this was. It kept filling me up and making me grow. I was huge and powerful and so expansive. I keep trying, and failing, to explain this. Even now it brings tears to my eyes and peace in my spirit.
Slowly, gently, I was reminded to come back to myself and to protect the places we had emptied. I found where the orange light of protection touched that I had grown scales. Harder than any metal, but flexible and able to allow the skin below to breathe. The orange sheen next to the purple and emerald was exquisite. The most perfect blend of colors. I flex my scales seeing how they responded to what I wanted, or what I did not want, to let in. They adjusted automatically, and involuntary reflect designed to keep me safe and still connected. My wings flexed and my neck stretched. I was magnificent.
Once the light had finished coating me in protection I was a woman in the clearing next to her oak tree once more. This was not the same woman who first came there but one that had been changed in ways she can’t fathom yet.
I want to note some of the physical sensations I was left with when I came out of hypnosis. Normally there have been very few other than the feeling of wellbeing and vitality. While I had those things I also had others. I felt bigger, stronger, an expentant emptiness. I felt like my center of gravity got higher. I still have that feeling hours later. My vision was clouded and blurry for about 30 min and is still happening occasionally. My neck and back feel less tense and somehow longer. I am emotionally and energetically buzzing with happiness and energy but I am physically drained beyond belief. Even writing this out in the bath was exhausting. It feels like the good kind of exhaustion though. The kind where you are worn out from doimg something that makes you feel good.